A few months ago a colleague of mine committed suicide. We worked together occasionally interdepartmentally throughout the years. He was always happy go lucky, smiling, joking, rarely, if ever, did he seem down.
When I heard about his memorial service I was shocked. I had not heard of his passing. I asked another colleague what had happened. The doc looked at me with sad eyes and said, "He was one of those tortured souls that got tired. He committed suicide."
My surprised gasp was involuntary. The doc then said, "I worked with him every day. I never saw it. He was always happy, always smiling, always joking. It's so sad." His head hung a little lower as he walked away, both of us now weighed down by the knowledge we missed something... But what?
I continued to work the rest of the weekend, but that phrase kept nagging me: "One of those..." I don't for a second believe this doc, who I have known for years and has always been kind, meant it in a derogatory way. I just think he didn't know what else to say. And, unfortunately, that's common I think.
Many people hide depression, even crippling, dark depression, with a smile and a joke. I have been guilty of it, my husband too. Even when he was super depressed when he got sick he was always kind, polite, and jovial to people. I've done that. Smile and say everything is fine. And then get a little disappointed when I'm believed.
While hiding behind a smile gets many through their day and upholds their status quo, it doesn't offer an authentic connection most humans so desperately need in their lives. Being vulnerable is one of the hardest things to be. Exposing your flaws and shortcomings to others can make you feel weak. I don't know what the answer is, but I do know it's hard. It's hard to be vulnerable. It's hard to reach out.
When you get so tired you'd rather stop living than go on, it's so dark you can't see any way light can get in, or you feel like you'll never get to the stop of the water you're drowning in, I'm here. I struggle too, but I'm here. I am a safe space for you, for you not to be another one of those. Reach out.
Be well, y'all.
