I have endometriosis. I also have PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Since I was a very young adult abnormal pap smears have been a regular occurrence for me. Every few years I have another one. It never fails to worry me. It doesn't matter how many times it has ultimately turned out okay, I still worry and fret. Every. Single. Time.
I have had more pap smears than any one person should have in their lifetime. Some years I had to have them quarterly. Some every six months. Too many, in my opinion. I know it is all for my health and wellbeing so I grin and bear it but that doesn't mean I have to like it. This year when I went to see my gynecologist she said as my last two tests had been normal did I want to do one this year or skip to every other year? With my age and the last two normal tests it fit the criteria to go to an every other year frequency. Did I want yet another pap? Abso-freakin'-lutely not. Should I get my yearly one just to be safe? Probably. I waffled.
My doctor said, "It's up to you, I am still going to do an exam. But if you think you will get out to the parking garage and think 'Man, I wish I had had a pap' maybe we should do it." She is so smart. She had been through this before. I am willing to bet my paycheck that more than one patient had skipped the pap, gotten in their car, and regretted not doing it and called her back. So I consented to the test. After all, it was covered completely by my insurance and she would already be up in there examining my she shed anyway. May as well.
Me. In the aforementioned parking garage.
I always try to dress nicely and do my hair, etc.
when I go to these appointments. Makes me feel less icky.
The message came through their secure app a few days later. I love that we can often message our providers now. Working where I do I cannot carry my phone, so I will get a message after 5:00pm. Then I am not able to call back and reach anyone. And the game goes on and on. So her message came through the practice's secure app and it said due to previous issues and this test's abnormal results she would like to do a cervical biopsy. I trust my doctor's opinion. She has privileges where I work. She has treated several other women I know. But dang... A BIOPSY? Not just a repeat pap? That very word made me scared.
Yup, this is what I pictured in my head. And I work in a hospital. I knew it wasn't going to be that scary. But... It was.
So I fretted. I worried. I told myself not to but I am really bad at listening to myself about these things. My doctor obviously wasn't super worried as she scheduled the biopsy for almost four weeks away. All that did was give me twenty-seven days to think about it. At one point I asked my husband if he was as worried as I was. He shrugged, hugged me, and said, "There is no reason to worry until there is something to worry about." Well... Shit. I mean, if I could make myself look at it that way I'd be doing great. Anxiety ain't for sissies y'all.
I was spun up. I had submitted for the day off. My department has a two techs on PTO per day rule. It helps to keep us staffed. I get it. My boss ran into me in the hallway a few days later and said, "Hey, that day you asked for there are two people already off." I had been doing pretty well at work handling my anxiety and not being too high strung about things at work. In that moment it all came crashing down, I felt tears prick the back of my eyes, and without thinking I said, "Well, I'm having a biopsy that day so I really need it."
My boss's eyes got really big and he says, "Oh." I walked on, afraid I might cry in front of him and the new girl he was showing around. I didn't want that. I usually don't blurt things out like that but that day... I didn't have a filter. Ever been there?
He managed to make the day of the appointment my day off so I was able to go and not have to reschedule. My boss is a good guy, always tries to accommodate. I did apologize to him later for blurting out that information. He just told me it was fine and he hoped everything turned out okay.
The day before my appointment I happened to realize their office may have some restrictions on who can come to an appointment with the patient due to the pandemic. It hadn't entered my mind to think about it because, well, I go pretty much anywhere I need to in my hospital without question because of what I do and I authorized. But I wouldn't be an employee the next day. I would be a patient. I called to double check. I was not allowed any support person unless I was pregnant or could not ambulate on and off the table independently.
I hung up the phone and started to cry. My husband had planned on taking me to the appointment. Now I would be all alone. Oh sure, he could sit in the parking garage and wait but the practical side of me knew since I would not be sedated it really wasn't necessary. Besides, with his back and nerve issues sitting in a car for a couple of hours really isn't the best thing for him anyway. "It's no big deal," I thought. "I'm just having a freaking BIOPSY." Was I being a tad dramatic? Probably. Was a anxious? As a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
I managed to calm down and accept this was the policy and deep breathed myself into adjusting to the news. So the next day I got up, got dressed, and headed to work. (Her office is next door to my hospital.) Her nurse was super sweet. She and my doctor were, as always, comforting and kind. Being their patient really is like having your girlfriends care for you. My doctor has a great way of connecting with her patients. I had pretreated with ibuprofen, per instructions, and she used a local to help ease the discomfort. She talked to me the entire time about various and sundry things, asking open ended questions so I would think about those answers and answer her rather than focusing on the pain. I know that is something they likely learn in medical school but later, looking back, I was thankful for it. It hurt, I won't lie. And I would be sore for several days. But it was over faster than I feared and she told me I now had to lay back and rest for half an hour. Sometimes when the cervix is manipulated it can make your body off kilter, light headed, etc. A nap? I get a nap? In the office? There was even a pillow. I decided I could handle that, especially now that the actual procedure was over.
Yup, could definitely handle a nap right about then.
When I was allowed to slowly sit up I was still a little light headed. I had driven myself. Her nurse was like, "Nope, you're not going anywhere yet." She brought me ginger ale and peanut butter and crackers with advice to eat them slowly. I was to stay at least another fifteen minutes. I apologized. I knew they were a very busy practice and had other patients to see in my room. Her nurse said, "Nope. We don't move until you do. We do not do anything until you are okay." And it really did make me feel better.
Eventually I felt my equilibrium return and felt well enough to leave. As I exited the parking garage Krispy Kreme caught my eye. It sits across from my hospital and you can see the Hot sign lit up from it sometimes. My husband I have been on a high protein, low carb, low sugar diet. We have been doing a resistance band workout. I have lost fifty-three pounds. And I feel much better. But right then, in that moment, I wanted a damn doughnut. So I drove over to their drive through. It was spring time and they had these adorable spring minis. I saw them on the menu and started to giggle. They kind of looked like Spring themed cervixes. I bought a set. They made me smile.
I returned home and recovered the rest of the three day weekend. I was sore, I did have some bleeding, and was very fatigued. Oh my lord... Let me tell y'all this... My doctor told me she would use a substance to help stop bleeding at the biopsy sites. She said "It goes in like mustard, comes out like coffee." Ok. I can handle that. What she did not tell me (would have no way of knowing would happen, every patient is different) that it could come out all at once, as a seal, like a freaking quarter. A coffee colored quarter. A coffee colored quarter shaped disc. So, whatever went on in your world that day, I bet it was more fun than that bathroom trip in mine.
I did get the results of the biopsy not long after. All was clear. When she got inside she not had to take as many samples as she thought so she had suspected everything would be fine. And while I am grateful I am still trepidatious. History will likely repeat itself. It will likely happen again. And then it will start all over. And I will worry. Worry about leaving my husband, kids, grandkids and dogs behind. Anxiety ain't for sissies yo.
So if you're struggling with something hanging over your head right now like a dark cloud you can't shake, I feel you. I am sending you good vibes and love. And hugs, if you're a hugger. It's hard. And you're awesome for bearing it.
Be well, y'all.